Grateful for the Grief

Two years ago, Brady departed this world on the morning of November 25th. It was the Monday before Thanksgiving, so three days after sending my husband’s dead body off with the funeral director, I had to sit around a dinner table and celebrate the holiday of gratitude.

It seems too cruel and too terrible that November 25th falls on Thanksgiving day this year. The worldly pressure to be openly expressive about all that I’m grateful for is too much. All I want to do is scream and cry and yell about how my husband died a slow and painful death, leaving me as a teenage widow in a world that hasn’t learned how to support the grieving population. At first glance, it doesn’t seem like there’s anything I could possibly be grateful for today.

I woke up this morning with tear stains already printed on my cheeks. Even in my dreams, I grieve Brady’s absence. Though the pain hasn’t gone away in these past couple of years, I feel I have learned a great deal about loss, suffering, and grief.

The most relevant lesson for today is this:

If anything is worth your grief, it’s worth your gratitude.

I hate that Brady is dead. I would much rather be his wife than his widow. Though I have seen so many good things come from his death, I am not grateful that he died.

But, I am still grateful. I am grateful for him, for the chance to love him, to cherish him, to marry him, to be loved by him, to witness the way he loved others…the list is truly endless. Despite the pain, I am grateful. I might even say that I’m grateful for the grief because it reminds me of the incredible husband that I married.

Though there’s gratitude, there is also grief. On days like today, the grief is often stronger and more noticeable than the gratitude. When these grief waves hit, as they tend to around significant dates like Brady’s deathaversary, I find myself expressing my thoughts and feelings even more than usual. Sometimes, I’ll put those thoughts and feelings to a melody. Today, I sang that melody to Brady.

After two years, I still don’t know how to walk through this life without the man who promised me I would never be alone again. I found myself angry after Brady died because I felt that he broke his promise and lied to me.

Now I see that Brady didn’t lie. Brady meant that even if he would be taken from me, I would never be alone because Jesus would always be with me.

The life, death, and resurrection of my Savior are worth all the gratitude I can muster. I also believe that the intensity of my grief allows me to better rejoice at the marvelous gift of salvation that is offered through Jesus. So, I am grateful for this life-shattering grief because it points me to the life-giving Savior.

Through it all, He has never left my side and I know He will carry me home.

Photo: Wild Native Photography