How to Be Supportive

In my short life as a widow, countless people have asked me how they can support me in this long, heartbreaking season.

There is no formula or equation for being a supportive friend to someone who is going through life’s greatest tragedies, but I will share some of the best things people have done for me in the past eight months.

•On the day that Brady died, a friend stopped over to see me and brought me my favorite meal and picked up my favorite Dairy Queen treat without me asking for any of it. I wasn’t even thinking about eating that day, but that wonderful friend knew that I needed to eat something.

•There is one person who consistently reaches out to me a couple days prior to every “big” day (Brady’s birthday, wedding anniversary, etc.). This person has taken the time to talk with me and understand that the days leading up to the “big” days can sometimes be harder than the days themselves. I feel seen and loved every time I get one of those texts.

•My one friend FaceTimed me every single day that I spent alone in the 7 week lockdown period earlier this year. I had no one physically with me while I experienced some serious grief waves, but she was there virtually, for hours at a time, every day.

•One friend took me out on a picnic (a total surprise) the day before my wedding anniversary. She brought some of my favorite things, and asked me tons of questions about my wedding day, and sobbed with me as we watched my wedding video together. She wasn’t uncomfortable when I cried, which is very rare and was a real gift.

•Speaking of crying, another friend spent my wedding anniversary with me. I cried a ton that day, and instead of wiping my tears and telling me that things will get better, they simply held me and stayed quiet. They didn’t try to fix my problems and allowed me to feel everything I needed to.

•The simplest form of support that I receive is when people acknowledge important dates. It takes them five seconds, makes me feel loved, but honestly happens way less often than I would prefer.

You don’t support someone through the love button on FaceBook or through likes on Instagram. To support someone well means getting to know them and figuring out their needs and then seeing what you can do to help. None of these people ever told me, “let me know if you need anything.” They simply showed up in ways that they were able to.

Everyone will need different types of support. Although not many people check up on me anymore (the communal support really stopped after Brady’s memorial service), I am forever grateful for the friends who have stuck by my side through this season, and who show up every single day.