It’s now been four years since Brady died.
A lot can change in four years, and a lot of things in my life have changed in the past four years. Since 2019, I graduated from college, established new lifelong friendships, joined a Christian music ministry, tried dating again, chose love again, got married again, moved to a new home, and started seminary where I will prepare for a lifetime of Christian ministry.
Truly, my life is completely different now compared to what it was. If I’m honest, I genuinely enjoy my current life, and I’m grateful for how God has redeemed and restored so much of my brokenness.
But, each November, I’m reminded of the same heavy grief I carry because of Brady’s death. The pain of grief four years later is still so intense, and there are still moments when I feel like I can’t catch my breath because of the sting of the heartache. I still haven’t “moved on” from him, and the love I have for him is still more than I can explain.
From my perspective, it seems that people assume Brady’s life and love remain in my past. Since starting a new relationship and getting married, I’ve noticed that most people have stopped asking me questions about Brady or the grief I experience because of his loss. Maybe they think the grief has ended. The only related question I receive now is directed at how my currently alive husband handles the reality of Brady’s love in my heart.
For me, Brady’s life and love are still so present. My love with Brady changed me at my core, and Brady’s life still impacts every part of my life. Because of Brady, I’m now walking into a life of Christian ministry where I plan to serve and love the hopeless. Because of Brady, I’ve learned the importance and necessity of loving selflessly and living with a sense of adventure. Because of Brady, I don’t take anything in my life for granted.
Brady still touches and affects every aspect of who I am. He still influences every part of my life, even though my life seems to be completely new. Since Brady remains part of my life, I still grieve his physical absence. I wish he were somehow still physically with me. I wish I could tell him all about the memories I’ve made in the last four years. I wish he could meet all the important people in my life that he never encountered during his time on earth. I wish he were still here.
Since Brady cannot physically be with me, I grieve. I continue to mourn his absence four years later. Even though my life is beautiful and new, my heart still aches, and the grief remains.
Though different aspect of grief, you articulated so well subliminal “undercurrents” that are experienced… and the life- changing perspective Brady and my daughter have altered our trajectory of ministry while
On earth. Thank you for sharing the deep , hard and beautiful.
There is a saying that grief is the price you pay for love. Love does not go away when someone dies, it remains with us throughout our entire life in some way, shape or form.
As you say, your love for Brady has helped shape who you are and the trajectory of your life.
May his memory always be for blessing and may the grief you carry remind you of the lii of the love you shared together as you continue on your new journey.