Most people think of sympathy and empathy as interchangeable ideas. The reality is that sympathy and empathy are completely different in practice, and after becoming a widow, I’ve been shown both.
Sympathy, according to my quick google search, is the “feeling of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune.” I would say most everyone feels sympathy for others. A sympathetic response to tragedy looks like this: “Oh, that’s so awful that your husband died. I can’t even imagine what that must be like.”
In this case, the person speaking is distancing him/herself from the one hurting. They “feel bad” for the grieving, but they don’t attempt to understand what the wounded is feeling. They say they “can’t imagine” the pain.
I believe that the world can do better that this. The vast majority of people have a powerful imagination, but often we don’t try to put ourselves in the shoes of others because understanding the pain of others causes us to feel pain.
And, that’s what empathy is. It’s the “ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” While no one can completely understand what another person is going through, we can try our best to put ourselves in their situation and imagine what it may be like.
An empathetic response to tragedy would look like this: “Tell me more about what you are feeling. *listens* It’s not the same, but I felt something similar when my father died. Know that you’re not alone in your grief.”
Empathy draws you closer to the hurting, and it causes you to feel the pain with the wounded. It’s certainly the harder route when trying to deal with grieving folks, it would be much easier to act with sympathy and distance yourself away from the tragedy.
As a young widow, I don’t want your sympathy. Most grieving people don’t. I don’t want you to tell me how sorry you are, and the phrase “I can’t even imagine” is my least favorite response that I hear from others because it isolates me in my grief. Some people love to throw a pity party for themselves, but I’d say the majority don’t want to be shown sympathy.
However, I want your empathy. I want people to willingly walk through the pain with me instead of throwing me tissues from the sidelines. A million people could show me sympathy and I would feel more alone than if one person chose to be empathetic and feel my emotions with me.
The Lord has blessed me with a few friends who have the courage to be empathetic. They ask me questions so they can better understand my thoughts and feelings, and then they weep with me. Most people aren’t willing to practice empathy because it hurts to grieve with others. But, isn’t that how Christ calls us to respond to tragedy? To mourn with those who mourn? (Romans 12:15).
The next time you hear about someone experiencing something awful, I encourage you to truly try and understand with empathy rather than acting with sympathy. It will be harder and more painful, but you will learn and it will actually comfort those who are hurting.