The Christmas season was Brady’s favorite time of the year.
He loved the snow, he loved buying presents for others, he even loved the cheesy Christmas movies.
When we got married in July, Brady told me how he wanted to spend our first Christmas together as a married couple. He said he wanted to be the “cool couple” who got the best gifts for the children in our families.
When we moved into our apartment, he immediately picked out the spot where we would place our Christmas tree. And, Brady assured me that we would get a fake tree because the real trees were too messy. “Don’t worry Mollie,” he said. “We can get a wax warmer so we can still have the ‘real tree’ smell!”
It’s been three weeks since Brady died, and I can’t bring myself to decorate for the season. I haven’t bought a single gift for anyone yet, and I can’t listen to Christmas music without bursting into tears.
This Christmas was supposed to be our first Christmas as a married couple. We were supposed to get matching sweaters and an ornament that would say “First Christmas Together.” And now, somehow, this is my first Christmas without him.
But, I know I’m not the only one who’s hurting this time of the year.
There are women out there who had miscarriages earlier this year, bawling at the sight of a “Baby’s First Christmas” onesie. There are kids out there who are tearing up at the sight of their dead sibling’s stocking. There are grown adults who feel like orphans this season since their parents have died.
Honestly, there are probably more people in pain this Christmas than not.
I know I’m the only one who’s hurting, and yet, I still feel so alone in my grief.
You aren’t alone in grief your are right but you do have your own grieving experience that no one else has. God made us uniquely individual and with that we see, smell, feel everything so differently. When I lost my dad suddenly 8 years ago my life felt like it was upside down. My dad was my best friend, he could know if I was happy, sad, mad just in my hello. He was on life support and the doctors told us he could survive on machines indefinitely but it was slim to none that he would wake up. They asked me to make the decision. How do you do that? So I prayed and prayed and walked and cried but I promised God I would trust him. I knew if it was his will he lived he would. If it was his will he bring him home he would it was entirely in his hands. I never allow myself even now to ask why? Even on the days I just wish I could ask him for advice or share things about my daughter with him or just have a conversation with the one earthly human being that understood me completely from birth on, I don’t know why and just have to have faith in God’s plan. I won’t give the enemy the foothold. Nope he was too special to me for that. Instead I decided I would battle back against my grief and be thankful for it because it meant I got to love and be loved by a great father and friend and my grief was and is so great because I had that relationship and that’s super special. There are people who didn’t know him and the day he passed was just another day for them so I count myself blessed. God gave me the time with him that I had and I got to know him and so many things about me are influenced by him. Even better my upbringing was based on God’s word. It doesn’t make it easier and it doesn’t make the pain go away it just helps me to use it to draw closer to God. My hardest days I talk to God an imagine my Dad standing beside him and knowing he is there with him and not hear enduring anything awful brings me peace. I have told myself countless times, I am honored to have known him and grieve his loss and I wouldn’t trade my tears for his eternity. It’s a process God brings us through. It’s not easy but God will not leave you. Praying for you