Some days it’s hard to get out of bed. The weight of this world and the burdens of my grief cover me like a weighted blanket and I struggle to find the strength to rise.
Today is one of those days.
Four years ago, on March 9th in 2018, my worst nightmare became a reality: my boyfriend’s cancer came back. Brady relapsed.
Brady went into the hospital the night before, and I found myself restless, unable to sleep as I wondered what the doctors would say about Brady’s scans. My family drove me down to Pittsburgh on the morning of March 9th because I couldn’t stand being away from Brady during this time. In the afternoon, I sat next to my best friend on the hospital bed, holding his hand as the doctors told us all the places the cancer had spread to in Brady’s body. At 17, while my friends were stressing about getting a date to the prom, I found myself comforting my boyfriend who just received life-threatening news. I remember pinching myself thinking that all of this horror couldn’t have been real. But it was. All I felt was this enormous amount of hope escape my life and deep sadness fill its place.
My world stopped spinning on that Friday afternoon in March. I thought Brady and I wouldn’t have to ever deal with cancer again. Before the relapse, I believed that the most painful days were behind us, and we looked forward to a bright future filled with love and happiness. Brady and I already had dreams of attending college, starting a family after we graduated, but more cancer never fit into those plans. All of a sudden we found ourselves living our worst nightmare.
As it says in Star Wars, “darkness rises and light to meet it.” Although March 9th in 2018 remains to be one of the worst days of my life, the darkness of that day did not last forever. The flame of love that Brady and I had for one another could not be extinguished by a relapse; it only grew brighter. The pain and sorrow only encouraged us to love one another more.
Within the next year, Brady and I decided to vow a lifetime of love to one another, no matter what the world threw at us. Life kept on throwing curveballs at Brady and me, but we kept on choosing one another. Even though I lived through my worst nightmares when Brady relapsed and eventually died, loving my husband through it all was better than anything I could have possibly dreamed of.
On days like today when I feel the heaviness and weight of grief with more intensity, I remind myself that I had more dreams come true with Brady than nightmares. His love is still more real to me today than all of the heartache, tears, and grief combined.
you are an inspiration mollie, and I’m praying for your continued healing…Jehovah Rapha.
~michael
You are continually in my prayers. Put your arms around yourself as tight as you possibly can and know that you are loved. Stay strong and continue to trust in God to lead your path.
Thoughts and prayers to you as you move forward.
Feel the love Brady gave you as the sunshine surrounds you with its warmth.
Dear,
Molly , my name is Rayna Smith I just want to say that I am very sorry of your loss of your husband. I will pray for you. You inspired me right now at this very moment because recently my grandmother passed away and I’m really having a hard with it for my grandmother not being here with me. So, I started writing in my journal almost daily and it helps a lot. But there’s some days were, I cry in my room. I believe in god and he will be with us every single day! I prayed to he every single day. You blog helps me even more by writing every single day! Thank you!