Grieving—the process of coping with immense loss—looks different to everyone and will change at various points in the grieving process. Recently, grief has presented itself to me in a disguise of fatigue. No matter how much rest I get, I cannot dodge the wave of exhaustion that sweeps over me.
Although my mind is constantly processing Brady’s death, there are seasons when my brain spends extra energy trying to piece together this life-altering loss. Being this is the second time I’m living through my anniversary month as a widow, I’m realizing that this summer month will always be one of those seasons. When the humidity rises and the temperatures climb in July, both my mind and body realize that the man who made this month so spectacular is missing.
Spending an extra amount of energy processing my grief causes me to feel like I’m living in slow motion. My feet seem to be walking through deep waters and thinking clearly becomes difficult. The infamous grief waves don’t always look like shouts of rage or puddles of tears; sometimes, they look like dark purple circles or unplanned mid-day naps.
In my worst moments, I envy my younger, more energetic self who was the queen of productivity. She never stopped to catch her breath and never needed to slow down to grieve. In these moments, I curse the life of widowhood and fantasize what a normal 20-year-old feels in the place of this weariness.
In my best moments, I surrender my exhaustion to the Lord and receive His spiritual rest. I know my Jesus understands the burdensome weight of this fatigue, and when I look to Him, He sustains me. In these moments, I am thankful to have loved so richly and so deeply that its absence causes so much heartache and pain.
In all the moments in between, I replay the life I once lived over and over in my mind as I stand amazed that so much could change in a matter of years. I barely recognize the girl in the pictures that hang on my walls, seeing her eyes filled with optimism with no hint of despair. Today, as I look in the mirror, I see weary eyes and tear-stained cheeks. But, I know that these cheeks have been blushed by love far more than wet from grief. And though these eyes have seen more trauma than most can imagine, they have seen more blessings than I could ever deserve.
As I sit and wonder how I will have the strength to take another step forward, I look behind and stand in awe at how the Lord has carried me thus far. As I learn more about grief, I realize that only God can give me a rest that pain cannot take away. I have also learned to see my exhaustion as an opportunity for the Lord to move and work in my weakness.
On days like today when I am worn out and weary, God reminds me that you cannot have colorful rainbows without gray storm clouds. You cannot have infectious laughter without the agonizing screams of birthing mothers. You cannot have a world-changing and glorious resurrection without a tragic and gruesome death.
I know that life’s most spectacular gifts are built on the foundations of suffering. Though this weary widow aches and cries today, she knows that the Lord will use her pain for a more bright and beautiful tomorrow.
Hi,
I am also living through the second anniversary of my fiance’s death. I like you have a problem with extreme exhaustion when I am trying to do household tasks. My husband died in 2005 so I have lost two men I have loved. There is no answer for why which makes it hard to deal with. I am 55 and feel like I have lived a lifetime of sorrow.
Thank you, I needed to read these words. I hope tomorrow the sun kisses your skin and brings such a big smile to your face and you feel your heart light up.
Your love with Brady continues to shine! Grief changes daily, as does the weather. You will shine, you will have storms, and you will see rainbows!
Dear Mollie,
My heart broke when I read your story a couple of weeks ago. I resonate with your pain and grief as I too was widowed early, after 112 days of marriage to my high school sweetheart after a 7 year courtship. Even now, over 50 years later, I still grieve his death at times and the life we planned together. “But God” (my two favourite words), brought peace, and healing in time. Your pain WILL lessen, and God WILL continue to use your grief to minister to others as He lifts you up and continues to show you His infinite love. You are no doubt surprised by the multiple blessings He brings your way.
After I was widowed for about 3 months I was taught to “Give thanks to God for this tragedy”. How could my pastor ask me to do this? As a happily married 40 year old, what did he know about death? Eventually I did as instructed, and learned in time that is was a helpful approach, and of course consistent with God’s Biblical instruction to give thanks in all things.
You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers as you journey on this bumpy road. I know it to be the truth that, He will never leave you nor forsake you.
With love and blessings,
Barbara
You so beautifully express so many feelings I feel about losing my son , but have so much trouble expressing. You are so wise and eloquent beyond your years. I am sure our Lord has wonderful things in store for you.