Those who know me well know that I value feelings and emotions far more than most. I bet the phrase “feel your feelings” comes out of my mouth at least ten times a day either when I give friends advice or when I’m talking to myself in the car.
This idea of recognizing, processing, and valuing emotions sounds great when the path of life leads you beside sunflower fields or gentle streams of water. When life puts you in the middle of a desert where you thirst for love or in a tornado when the wind destroys everything you thought you knew, it’s much harder to “feel your feelings.” The idea of distracting yourself with YouTube videos, podcasts, or even schoolwork seems far more attractive.
After Brady died in 2019, I promised myself that I would not fall into the tempting coping mechanisms of distraction. I promised myself that I would face my emotions head-on no matter how big or scary they would be. I’ve kept this promise that I made to myself even when the emotional disasters flood my thoughts and tear my heart to shreds.
The past few months have provided me with blessing after blessing, and I’ve started to run towards many of the callings God has given me. It’s been a true joy to process all of the feelings that come with positive and God-ordained change. I wish I could say that those months have only continued and this spiritual high that I’ve felt has only grown more rejuvenating, but instead, my high mountain has turned to a low valley.
The past two weeks have been incredibly hard and emotionally exhausting. When I thought I could catch a break from my running thoughts and deeply felt emotions, another incident would be brought to my attention that would cause another round of negative feelings to build up in me.
When anger, fear, disappointment, sadness, and guilt would knock, I swung the door open wide out of a faithful attempt to keep my previous promises to myself. Even when tears streamed down my face and when sharp pain filled my chest, I chanted “feel your feelings.”
This desperate attempt to be emotionally honest with myself almost seemed like too much of a burden to bear. There is so much current chaos around me mixed with past traumas and my arms are tired from carrying them all.
When I fix my gaze on my Savior and set my eyes, heart, and mind on the things above, I see Jesus looking at me with His arms wide open. Just today in prayer, He spoke these sweet words to me:
“Let me carry this, Mollie. Let me carry you.”
I always think I’ve surrendered everything to my God until I find more things that I’m holding close to my chest, unwilling to give up. At this moment, I’m choosing to surrender my feelings to my Lord, allowing Him to carry what has burdened me for too long.
I will always be an emotional person who values her feelings and the feelings of those around her. I will always choose to feel rather than to ignore or suppress. But in this darker and more painful season, God is teaching me that I don’t only need to “feel” my feelings, but I need to surrender them, too.
Photo: Amy Craig Photography
Thank you for sharing honestly through your pain. I can feel Christ in you through your words.
Choosing to feel your feelings instead of masking them is a choice not many choose. I commend you for taking the road less traveled. You are a beautiful young lady inside and out.
May the Lord bless and keep you.
May he cause his face to shine upon you and give you peace.
Mollie, I also lost my husband in 2019 to cancer but it was after a beautiful 45 years of making memories for me to cherish and reflect on. However, the # of years doesn’t make it easier. I sat age 73 now applaud you for putting your faith & trust in God… He will never leave you…He will carry you. I found that it is truly ok to give it to God because sometimes it’s just too much for us to handle by ourselves.
Blessings to you Mollie
May the sweet grace of our God, be with you! May your heart be strengthen by His love for you! We shall one day all be together on the other side, in that celestial city of God!
Thank you for sharing. I too am dealing with the unexpected loss of my father. It was a traumatic loss. I was there at my parents house holding my fathers hand begging him to stay with me. I feel you pain and the thought process of ‘feel your feelings’. You spoke of those words and I truly related. I need to feel my feelings and not try to hide or stay busy in hopes it will get a little easier.
I continue to pray daily asking for strength and comfort. You will be added to my prayers
Thanks for sharing your story really touched me and it encouraged me to go forward with my life after losing my boyfriend
Mollie- you have a gift! God is using your voice to speak to others during your time of pain and their time of pain. Your love shines through your writings. May God continue to bless you, hold you close, and use you to help others! Stay strong, cry when you need to, and keep loving Brady!
Sweet Mollie, you are more spiritually mature at a young and tender age than most people ever become. If Christ taught us anything it’s that there’s redemption in suffering. Suffering will always be part of life, but we’re blessed to have a God who has shown us that He knows intimately our sorrows and pains. He carries them with us.
God bless you always. God bless and protect and keep you always in His care. You’re never truly alone. Brady still loves you, and Jesus loves you, always.
God bless you for being kind enough to put your feelings and experiences here. You’re a greater blessing than you realize.
I looked in a mirror through you both. I was 38 he was 44. We met in January 2001, we moved in together and bought a house in July. We knew we were ment to be together, we were best friends. We lost conjoined twin girls in May the following year , before we got married and that we had planned. We waited until Sept 3rd of 2002 and 8 days later my best friend was diagnosed stage 4. ( we had no clue he had Cancer )
We were of course devastated, but then we knew why God didn’t let the girls stay. There was no way I could take care of them and my husband. It was my job to make sure he got home ok! I lost him 8 months after we got married and I would change a thing besides him still being here with me! Our time together was the best time of my life! The laughter and love we shared will last me a lifetime! Take it one day at a time. You have your whole life in front of you and do what you think the 2 of you would of done together. Make yourself a bucket list. You’ll still have him forever in your heart! Thank you for sharing God Bless
Dear Mollie, sorry for your loss and thank you for being so strong. I lost my wife in 2019 due to cancer, watching someone you love die from this horrible disease is probably the worst thing a person will ever endure..it’s completely changed me but life goes on…you are young and beautiful and I’m sure God will get you thru this..it takes time but you will get better…good luck…hang in there..!!
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I just found your blog today through a link in a local news story, and I read it from the very first entry through to the latest. Mollie, you are special, and blessed, and your precious Brady will forever watch over you as you make your way through this world without him. To live on in the hearts of those you love, is to never die. I too was married young to my high school sweetheart. I was 21 years old and was widowed 6 1/2 years later when my husband Tommy and his younger brother Timmy were killed in a horrible, tragic accident. After 2 weeks at my parents home, I moved back into our home out of state, alone for the very first time in my life. And as I read your blog posts, tears streamed down my face because it felt like yesterday, but it’s been 29+ years. I remarried 5 years later to a wonder young man, and together we have 2 beautiful kids. And I know how incredibly blessed I am to have found love again with someone who promised me their forever. But Tommy is forever in my heart and soul, and not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. Life is good. God is great! And I promise you there is so much more love and happiness in your future. I will faithfully follow your blog and keep you in endless prayers as you make your way through life. With deepest empathy and love…
My husband died unexpectedly and I’m completely lost.
We married when I was 22 and I’m now 58.
I’m just so incredibly broken and I’m not sure if I ever will be okay.
I just want Ray my husband and I know he’s in Heaven, but he left me his person and best friend.
I have zero purpose.
Sweet girl… I too was widowed at 19. My husband was killed by friendly fire in Desert Storm, leaving behind me and our unborn daughter. It was so hard to find explanations of Why? I prayed everyday that he would come home. I was so mad at God when he came home in a body bag. They actually took his picture of him in the body bag and it graced the cover of several magazines. I couldn’t even go to the store without seeing his body bag covered in his blood.
Then one evening, our daughter was up crying her little lungs out with colic. I turned on the tv and flipped through the channels when I came upon a preacher. I stopped and watched for a few seconds and he said, “It’s not that God doesn’t hear your prayers, sometimes he just says no.”
Four years later, my daddy was killed in the OKC Bombing. It took nine days to find his body. On the fourth day, my mom and I had to escape the 70+ people waiting at our house to hear any news. While checking out, the cashier said, “Oh, a baby having a baby.” (I was four months pregnant with my youngest daughter.) That poor cashier got the wrath of my mama who is 4’11 and weighs 90lbs! My mom told her, “The ONLY one that knows what I’m going through is my 23 year old daughter!” That’s when I heard God whisper, you list your husband so you could help your mom through her loss.
And six years ago, my daughter I was pregnant with when my husband, her daddy, was killed, list her fiancé in a motorcycle accident and their daughter was only seven months old. Now she knows and will be able to help her daughter, because she knows what it’s like growing up having lost her daddy before she could form memories of her own.
We all have a purpose. We just don’t always see it. But sometimes, God’s grace allows us to see a glimpse of the why’s. You got to be the only love your husband will ever know. You gave him hope, when it was buried in despair and fear. And now you are giving hope to the hopeless that are walking in your shoes. Please remember, God’s grace and love is sufficient even on our weakest days.
Much love and prayers to you sweetheart. You’re not alone. And you ARE the reason someone will learn to smile again. ♥️
Dear Mollie, sorry for your loss and thank you for being so strong. I lost my wife in 2019 due to cancer, watching someone you love die from this horrible disease is probably the worst thing a person will ever endure..it’s completely changed me but life goes on…you are young and beautiful and I’m sure God will get you thru this..it takes time but you will get better…good luck…hang in there..!!
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