I am dating again.
After almost three years since Brady died, I am now in my first romantic relationship as a widow.
I did not plan to enter the dating scene when I did. I was not on any dating apps and wasn’t actively seeking out a relationship. But when a guy asked me out on a date a few months ago out of the blue, I decided to give it a shot, thinking that nothing would come from it. I wasn’t expecting to develop feelings for someone so quickly, and I certainly wasn’t expecting to experience such hope-filled happiness at the thought of a future with this person.
I tend to oscillate between caring too much about what others think of me and not caring at all. This strange combination results in me living a bold life and making decisions without overly considering the thoughts of others while simultaneously wondering how others will respond to my choices.
Relating to my dating life, I have had no personal issues with being romantically involved with another person as a young widow. Within the past few months, I have decided to enter into an exclusive dating relationship, and I made this decision with complete peace and confidence. However, when I began to think about what it would look like to share this news with others, I realized how concerned I was with what others will think.
- Will others think this new relationship means I’ve moved on from Brady? Because I haven’t.
- Will people judge me for dating again too quickly or be overly relieved since they thought I waited too long?
- Will others interpret this relationship as my reward for “grieving well” over the past few years? Because while this relationship is a blessing, it is not my prize or trophy for faithful mourning.
- Will people see this relationship as the end of my grief? Because the truth is that I will grieve Brady’s death for the rest of my life.
Maybe I’m so concerned with the thoughts of others because I know what I would’ve thought about a widow dating again before I was a widow myself. I would’ve assumed that if a widow dated again, she must not have loved her late husband as much, and her new relationship meant that she no longer grieved the loss of her dead spouse. I would’ve assumed wrongly.
Before his death, Brady repeatedly asked me to promise him that I would be open to love again. At the time, I was so frustrated with my husband because that was not a conversation I wanted to have. At that point, I couldn’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else. Brady, however, insisted that I try to love another man after he died. Because I was committed to honoring my husband, I reluctantly promised that I would try.
After his death, a shift occurred in me, and I started to realize that feelings for another person would not diminish my love for Brady. Even though I recognized this shift early in my widowhood, I did not begin to develop serious feelings for another person until recently.
I always anticipated this process of dating again to overwhelm me with feelings of guilt and shame. How could I be attracted to someone new if I really loved Brady? In reality, I never experienced any guilt, only excitement. I never felt bad for my interest in another man; I simply wished I could’ve updated Brady about this part of my life. I think Brady would be so happy for me, and I genuinely believe he would be grateful that I lived up to the promise I made to him before he died.
There are two things I want the world to know about this change in my romantic life:
- My love for Brady hasn’t changed. I haven’t moved on from him, and I will always be grieving his death regardless of my relationship status.
- My feelings for this new guy are true and legitimate. He is not a replacement for Brady, and he isn’t second best in my eyes. My love for Brady does not limit my commitment to someone new.
Though few will be able to understand, I am still committed to sharing my experience as a young widow with the world. I still vow to be open and transparent about my grief, even when it seems more complicated and messy.
I am simultaneously a grieving widow and an excited girlfriend. My love and devotion to Brady coexist with my feelings and loyalty to this new man. There is no competition or battle in my heart; it is big enough to hold it all.
So glad you have found someone that you feel you can develop a relationship with. Brady would totally be happy that you are moving on. He would want nothing less for you. There is no way you will ever forget Brady and the love and time you had together. You are a strong young woman and have a lifetime ahead of you. Enjoy what God has opened up for you.
Mollie, you are an amazing young lady! An inspiration to all of us. Thank you for sharing your heart. One of your many gifts is being able to put your thoughts on paper so beautifully. I am so happy for you and excited for what God has for you and your new friend. We would love to meet him. We will always love Brady too and was blessed with the privilege of knowing him. We don’t always understand God’s plans but we know they are good! We serve an Awesome God who loves us beyond anything we can imagine. So excited to see n hear about all that God is doing in your life!! Love you!
Mollie, thank you for taking us on this journey of life with you. Its obvious that God has been directing you step by step, and you are right where you are supposed to be.
“I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my eye upon you.” ~Psalm 32:8.
I am so excited for you Mollie!!! You are an amazing young girl who has been through more in your short years on this earth than so many will in their entire lifetime. Don’t ever worry about what others may or may not think or say. You have followed your heart, have loved Brady deeply, and have honored his memory is great ways. I am so thrilled that God has put a new man in your life to love and share this world with! I know He has great things ahead for you and am so very proud of how you are following God and being the best you can be. Keep up the great work and know you are very loved and prayed for!! I love your blogs and how you share your heart. Love you!!!!
I am So happy for you. When my girlfriend passed from cancer, I felt a lot of the things that you wrote about. It’s not easy.
Not only is your heart big enough to hold it all, God’s heart is big enough to hold you both tenderly. Thank you for inviting all of us in to your remarkable journey.
Molly,
As also being a widow of a husband that loved me with all of his heart, and I loved him as much–I understand your mixed feelings. Brady will always be a big part of your heart! Don’t stop talking about him–its ok. Anyone that loved him will always do that. Hopefully the young man you are now seeing will understand. It does not mean you care for him less–just this was a huge part of who you are and always will be. It has been 7 years since Burhl died. I started dating Gary two years after he died. When you have had that love, it is something you miss greatly. Gary and I had been seeing each other for four years when his health started to get bad after having a stroke. I lived 40 mins away from him and always worried about him when I wasn’t with him. When he asked me to move in to his huge house, it seemed like the right thing to do. At our ages He is 80 and I will be 77, getting married would be complicated. We are definitly there for each other . He has started into vascular dimentia. It is only going to get worse. Our families all live in different states. His family appreciates me being here, although some days are really not easy. Hopefully God will keep me healthy enough to continue to take care of him. Do not worry about any one else. Like you said Brady would want you to be happy. I know Burhl would feel the same way. Gary and I had over two really good years. We did a lot of traveling. We are not able to do that now, but it is ok. For some reason I think God wanted me to be “caregiver” again. So be happy and feel comforted with Brady being always in your heart.
Mollie, be happy and enjoy the process of love. Brady would want that for you, as you for he, should the tables be turned. Be good to your heart and your soul.
Wow, Mollie! You truly are a wonder. I want to say that there is no one correct roadmap for grief and mourning – that everyone is a bit like Lewis and Clark, on an expedition into something we fear is unknown, vast and endless. But we all explore that territory in our own way and time, and just because the territory of grief is well mapped and widely explored, that doesn’t mean we don’t revisit it frequently. We just are able to find our way around so much better when we do visit.
I think some people absolutely will feel relieved – perhaps overly so -It is breathtakingly difficult to be present to the suffering of others. So much of our own suffering (which is often much simpler to hide away and deny) is caught up in lending others our true presence in our grief. How fortunate we are, that our savior, brother, Lord came to teach us how. May His blessings be upon you in your joy and in your grief forever.
I am very happy for you. I was a widow at 36. We had 13 wonderful years married. The way I honor him is to live my best, happiest life. He’s always there. I have been married now 23 years. Married another widower. I am now 63. God’s got this!!!