Holding My Breath

“I absolutely love my life right now! I feel like God is filling my life up with so many blessings, and I am so grateful! Cherishing this season as long as it lasts.”

I remember the moment I wrote those words in June of 2019. My life really was so wonderful. I was getting ready to marry the man of my dreams, and I felt pure happiness. I was looking forward to so much, and my life felt absolutely perfect.

My life felt perfect for much of that summer, but the fall brought the most heart-wrenching season of my life. Brady’s health deteriorated as the leaves changed, leading to his death in November.

In the first days, weeks, and months after Brady’s death, I felt I had nothing to look forward to. When I thought about the future, I would become overwhelmed with the possibility of spending decades on this planet without my husband. I couldn’t think too far ahead because I only saw darkness on the horizon. I kept my head down and could only focus on a single day ahead.

Over the years, I’ve slowly begun to lift my gaze and see so much beauty and hope. My future no longer scares me but excites me. I feel there are many things in my life that I’m currently looking forward to, and this feeling of great anticipation is all too familiar.

Life is good right now. I feel abundantly blessed and want to cherish these moments for as long as possible. I remember the last time I felt this way, and that familiarity causes great hesitancy.

Part of me wonders if my life will fall apart again with the approach of autumn. Is it time for another life-altering trial? Is my season of joy coming to an end again? I feel I am holding a tight grip on my life, not wanting to let go of anything or let any good thing slip from my grasp. I have lost so much before and don’t want to experience that pain another time. I feel I’m holding my breath and waiting for hardship to knock on my door.

If the waves of heartache come crashing down on me again, I want them to hit me while I’m riding on the water. I don’t want to be so afraid of potential storms that I stay in the sand, hiding away from the adventures that the ocean has to offer.

I know that life will not always be as sweet as it is right now. However, I will choose to receive all the good things that God has for me today without worrying about what may be in store for me. My God has been more than faithful in every season of life so far, and I know He will be with me no matter what comes next. As I exhale this fear of future pain, I will breathe in the truth that my God is good even when my life is not.