Recently, I have started to work at Walmart as a cashier. There are many pros to this job, but my favorite aspect of this work is that I have the opportunity to talk to hundreds of people each day. It is not rare for me to talk with my customers about their upcoming weekends, or plans for their night. Occasionally, people ask me about my plans, and once, I told them the full truth.
This past week, an older couple asked what I would do after my shift, and I told them I would be spending the evening working on the book I am currently writing. They asked what the book is about, and I told them it was a memoir.
“You’re too young to have anything exciting to write about! What are you, 21?” I told them that I am 19, and that the book is about the love story with my dead husband. That left them speechless.
The next customer heard my comment, and she told me how sorry she was about my loss. And, then she said these words…
“Honey, you have your whole life ahead of you. You’ll move on from this, this is just a small stumbling block.”
I appreciate that this woman took the time to encourage me, but there are two things that really bother me about this woman’s statement.
First, there is no moving on from immense loss. The death of the love of my life is not road kill that I can merely drive past and forget about. Brady’s life, love, and death have permanently and fundamentally changed who I am and how I am going to live the rest of my life.
And secondly, I may not have a long life ahead of me. I may die in a car crash tomorrow or be murdered in a store shooting. These things happen, and I’m no longer naive enough to believe that I am somehow immune to life’s tragedies and disasters.
As a culture, we love to promote positivity and give people hope that their current sorrows are temporary. In some sense, this is true since our current struggles and traumas will not follow us into the next eternal life, but it is foolish to believe that we can be wiped completely clean from the pain that we experience on earth.
I will always grieve Brady, for the rest of my life on this earth, no matter how long or short this life will be. Moving on isn’t possible, nor would I want it to be. Moving on means forgetting and leaving the love that we shared in the past, and I refuse to do that.
I will never forget the love he had for me. I will never stop loving him. I will never “move on.” But, I will choose joy in the midst of these heartbreaking times. I will choose to have hope in the future, whatever it brings. And most importantly, I will choose to move forward with Brady, living out the legacy he wanted to leave behind.
Photo: Wild Native Photography