Since Brady died, the hardest part of my day has been going to bed.
For the past few years, nighttime has always been “Brady and Mollie Time.” When we were both in high school, we would always call each other, or FaceTime, around 9:00 pm to share about our day. Sometimes this chat would only last a few minutes, but most of the time it would last for over an hour. No matter how long it lasted, we always made it a priority to talk to each other before going to bed.
Once we got married, “Brady and Mollie Time” turned into late night cuddle sessions with Netflix acting as a third wheel. This is the time when we would pray and read our devotionals together. All of our deep conversations, no matter the topic, always occurred after the sun went down.
Being with Brady, either over the phone or in person, became a part of my bedtime routine.
I didn’t realize how much I needed that one-on-one time with him until he died. A part of my nighttime schedule is missing, and my body refuses to rest without it, without him.
Instead of spending my evenings making silly faces with my lover, I am now screaming and crying in my pillow. Instead of watching “Stranger Things” together in our apartment, I am trying to distract myself with stupid shows like “America’s Next Top Model,” hoping that the senseless drama of the show will stop my tears from running down my face. Instead of laying on his chest listening to his heartbeat, I am all alone just clinging onto the stuffed animals he left me with.
Last night, I tossed and turned in my bed until 3:00 am. At that point, I watched countless YouTube videos and put on a podcast about Alzheimer’s Disease just so I could think about something other than Brady not being with me.
Once I finally fell asleep, I had an awful nightmare about Brady dying again in front of me, so I woke up in a panic, in a sweat, and I struggled to go back to sleep again. Nightmares aren’t new for me, but when I had them before, Brady would hold me and tell me “It’s okay, I’ve got you.”
No one is here to hold me now.
Mollie this is beautiful! Noone knows what your going through! I’m sure its one of the hardest things you have ever had to do was say good bye. But remember Brady is gone but he is always with you! Writing your feeling and sharing them are wonderful. I didn’t know Brady very well only through my daughter Taryn but he was wonderful full of cheer! Prayers to you.
Mollie..I just want to say “I love you.” I pray for you and your family and Brady’s family every day. Without going into detail, I can totally understand your aloneness at night. Remember Jesus is there. Visualize Him holding you, talk to Him. He loves you and will bring healing. If you ever need someone to talk to or to get together with…just let me know. Sending love to you.
Nights are the hardest at first. When my mom died a few years ago (also from cancer that got really bad really quick) I was so used to hearing her tv on all night. The night after she passed I slept in my room in silence. I couldn’t do it. Then I would think I would hear her moaning in her room. It was horrible. To this day I still need a fan on or something to make some sort of noise. I remember crying because it was just too quiet. Then the nightmares started, ones where I would watch her die over and over again. But with time (I’m talking months upon months of time) the nightmares went away. They became dreams of her looking better and healthier than ever. (My cousin actually had the same dream around the time this happened to me.) So it takes time. Be patient with yourself. Try whatever you can to create your new normal. Be it mindless TV, music, a fan for noise….anything. Even having those conversations with Brady like he was there can help. My grief counselor had me do that in dealing with my mom’s death and it actually kind of helped. Yeah she couldn’t answer but saying all the things I would normally say to her was oddly comforting. I’ve never met either of you but after hearing your story I would bet Brady is still watching out for you and would hear it all. Sorry for the rambling message but my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thinking of you tonight, Mollie. Hope that in time memories of the happy times you and Brady shared can give you comfort. I remember the days when you were so much taller than Brady. Such a cute couple even then. Sending you a hug tonight ❤️