2019 was a year of change for me. It was a year of milestones, a year of love, and a year of loss. It was the year I got engaged, the year I graduated high school, the year I got married, the year I started college, and the year I became a widow.
Every single part of my life changed in 2019. I remember feeling so unstable and unsteady that year. Everything changed, and not always for the better. I felt like I got on some neverending merry-go-round that threw off my sense of balance and direction. I didn’t know which way was right or up or down. I barely knew who I was amidst all the change.
Strangely enough, 2023 is feeling a lot like 2019. I recently got engaged, graduated college, am getting married, and am beginning seminary in the fall. Again, there are so many changes, and while I want to burst with gratitude for the blessings I’m experiencing this year, my heart has been so heavy. My feelings have overwhelmed me. It feels like so many grief waves are trying to knock me down and drown me.
I always thought that grief was simply our response to loss. But I’m learning that grief can also be a negative response to change. My entire life changed when my husband, Brady, died. And I still grieve his death and the life I had with him that I will never get to experience again.
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Today is July 20th, which marks what would have been my fourth wedding anniversary if my husband was still alive. Days like today are always emotionally painful because they remind me of all I lost when Brady died in the fall of 2019. Four years ago, Brady and I committed our lives to loving and serving one another, but I never dreamt that our lifetime together would end only four months after our wedding day.
Now, I feel I am living in some parallel universe where I am about to make that same lifelong promise of love to another man and begin a new life journey in a new place with a new person. Though I am excited about the future that awaits me, part of me still grieves the life I’ve left behind.
The current transitions of graduate school, a new home, and marriage cause me to remember all the changes that occurred four years ago as Brady and I were preparing for our life together. And the memories that flood my thoughts now cause many feelings ranging from gratitude to fear. I am so overwhelmingly grateful that I’ve experienced love and joy again. And yet, I fear that the love and life I have now will once again slip away from my fingertips.
But, if I’ve learned anything in the past four years, I’ve learned that I don’t have to face the uncertainty of change alone. When everything changes, my God remains the same. When my heart is ripped up into a million pieces or when my entire life crumbles beneath me, my God doesn’t move. He holds onto me and serves as my anchor in the midst of the changing tides.
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This summer, I’ve been slowly moving out of the apartment that Brady and I shared together in our short time as husband and wife. It feels like there is so much to say ‘goodbye’ to in the home we made together, and it feels like there is so much to say ‘hello’ to in the life I will share with my fiancé. But in the middle of the hellos and goodbyes, in the middle of the gratitude and the fear, in the middle of all the change, my God stays the same. And he takes my hand and holds onto me every single step of the way.
Photo: Anna Laero Photography
Thank you for this post dear Mollie. Your life as been and continues to be a testimony to the faithfulness of our God, as well as a testimony to your own faith. For what has been, and what God has brought your through, we give thanks. For what God is doing now, are also give thanks! This new chapter of your life does not diminish the importance of any previous chapter, but only continues the story of God’s grace to and through you. Blessings! ~Pastor John
Life goes on Mollie, and you are wise to appreciate the incredible gift of a second chance at love, life, and happiness. I was tragically widowed at 27 when my husband of 7 years and his younger brother were killed in a tragic accident. Tommy (my high school sweetheart) was 30, his brother Tim was 27, and my world fell apart. Almost 5 years later I married a wonderful man, we were blessed with 2 incredible kids, and we just celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary last month. Every single day on earth is a gift and I’m sure your Brady is watching over you and is so very proud of all you have survived and accomplished these 4 years since you lost him. You honor him every day with the way you love and live your life. You will never stop loving him, but you are allowed to love another man and build a wonderful life together. You’re not replacing Brady. It’s more like having that 2nd baby. You love them just as much as the first…there’s infinite room in your heart! Good luck sweetheart, God bless, and I’ll always be cheering you on! Patty Dolan Tervo
This fills me with hope. The love of my life was just killed in an act of gun violence on Friday night. I cannot fathom going on.
change is loss. whenever we experience change, there is something to which we must say goodbye (loss) and something to which we can say hello. even when there is positive change (i.e. having a baby), there is a loss that is worthy of grief (alone time with your spouse is more scarce, your body changes, etc). never be ashamed of grief; it’s an emotion that belongs, just as much as the others. no matter what wonderful things are happening, grief is still allowed and acceptable. ♡
Blessings continue for you as you start a new chapter in your life. You will never forget Brady and the short time you had together. God is allowing you happiness once again as you have found love again. Good luck.
What a beautiful letter of hope for the future. You said it all when you acknowledged the “God stays the same”. He is our hope for tomorrow. Keep your faith in him and enjoy your life. I so enjoy knowing that you are truly a child of God.
Hello, I am writing this as a stranger but as someone facing immense grief right now. On Friday night the love of my life, the man I would marry, was shot and killed in a violent act of road rage. He was my everything. We are 35 and 37 and had prayed for this love for so long. I found your blog by googling blogs about death of a spouse. Because I just truly don’t know how to go on.
Cara, I am so terribly sorry. Grief—especially in the early days of great loss—can be incredibly overwhelming. I remember feeling so lost and hopeless in the aftermath of my husband’s death in 2019. You are not alone.
When my husband first died, I did not know how to live in a world without him. Someone told me to take it day by day, but even that felt like too much, so I took it minute by minute. Second by second. But it is such a painful process…and I’ve documented a lot of my journey on this blog. My heart hurts with you, Cara. I pray that you find comfort and peace in this difficult time.