Before my husband died, my knowledge of grief was extremely limited. Like most people, I thought that there were five linear stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance).
And while I’m only six weeks into this “grieving thing,” I can say for certain that my grief does not come in linear stages.
Each day has been so different, and my feelings seem super random. Some days, I feel completely numb to the pain. Other days, I will spend hours in bed, weeping as I read some of Brady’s old text messages. Some days I can’t put any food in my mouth, other days I think I eat twice my weight. All these different experiences (along with many other ones) don’t happen in any recognizable pattern. And right now, I don’t resonate with any of the five stages of grief.
At first, I thought this made me weird. But, after talking to lots of other widows, I’ve realized that grief is gray, messy, and unpredictable. Grief won’t always show up in one of the five stages, and the journey is definitely nonlinear.
I think we like to categorize our thoughts and emotions about loss into “stages” to make ourselves feel better. We like to see that we are moving in some sort of direction, or making some sort of progress.
I learned real quick that grief is not something that gets accomplished or that “gets done and over with.” Brady’s life, love, and death will forever be a major part of my life. Because of that, I will always be grieving. There is no endpoint. No finish line. No “moving on.”
Grief is just so complicated. My experience will look drastically different from other widows, or others who love Brady. We are all unique human beings, and our grieving processes will also be unique.
So, if you are grieving a loss and can’t relate to the five stages of grief, don’t worry. You aren’t the only one.
Mollie, no one can say “I know what you’re going through “, we all do grief a different way. I lost my 15 y/o grandson 15 months ago. I was shattered by this, particularly because he took his own life. We went to Griefshare at our church and it helped. This fall we went again and it really helped me physically. I’m much older than you but didn’t realize how mentally I was not well and physically sick. I felt so much better and dealt with my grief so much better. We finished Griefshare the first week of December and then POW I was leveled with the deepest depression I’ve ever experienced. The holidays destroyed me. I’m still fighting my way out, but it hits you without warning. It does take a long time and everyone’s journey is different. People have expectations of how long grief should last, but there is no right answer. I just pray that you stay strong in your faith and one day you will come out of this darkness.